If you wanted to see me, you could’ve just said so.
But tell me, how does one ask to see another, knowing in their heart, the other would rather not be there at all?
When you are here, it feels like I have something to fear. Why would I fear the person I love? It seems as if my tears will never be enough. Why do you insist on forcing such paranoia and fear on me? Can’t you see I’m already broken?
Are you fearful of the person you love, or fearful of the chaos they bring with them? Are you mourning for what cannot be, or for the sacrifices you have to make?
It haunts me everyday whatever it is I’m fearing and it breaks my heart, which is fitting because that’s where this love started. What choices do I have and how do I cope?
One doesn’t cope in this world. We just survive till our insides rot and we decay away. We don’t choose who we fall for, but to continue loving regardless of this fear that haunts your every footstep, is a choice beyond my control.
If it’s true that there’s no coping and only survival, and that we have no ruling over who we fall for, there is more danger and fear going around this world like never before.
Why are you twisting something so pure and untainted as love into the devil’s manifestation? Perhaps the danger comes from loving too little…
Perhaps I’ve loved too much and been hurt once too many times. The trauma still remains, the pain still remains, and my battle scars rest on my heart. Feeling vulnerable as I’m frozen with fear and shaking nervously, it’s never been about if love is pure – it’s always been about if I can find or even deserve a romance or even an ounce of what you speak of.
Interesting. It appears you have been suffocated and strangled in the clutches of love. These faded bruises and scabbed wounds you keep ruminating over – you’re denying it of the breath of life it needs to survive! Your heart is broken, yet you, yourself, pick the shards up and pierce yourself through the chest. And all for what? To live without fear? To deny yourself of love? To wait till you’re worthy of stealing another’s heart, and giving yours away for free?
See how vulnerable and pitiful that makes me sound? Why is it I feel like a victim? How does one overcome it and become stronger? You say I pierce my chest with the shards I’ve collected, and it’s true, I’m strong enough to admit it. I’m strong enough to admit when I’m afraid – unlike you – who fears nothing but deep down you want your eyes to release a waterfall. You know as well as I do why I’m in a constant state of fear and paranoia. Maybe your mirror was shattered to pieces and maybe your memories of me turned to ashes. But I fear love because I fear you and because I fear you, I needed to make that confession.
And maybe I fear me too. Maybe it’s all a facade. One that you’ve just torched with your perceptive observations. You’re right. I love freely with no restraints because I fear nothing. Because once upon a time, I loved far too deeply, and it destroyed me. It emptied my soul, and where my heart was, all that remained was an abyss of self-destructive habits. My mirror is fragmented, but the pieces don’t hurt me, and I guard myself from the truth. I don’t want to see it – the reflections of what I’ve manipulated love into. I am numb. I have become the predator making the ones strong enough to resist love the prey. And you fear me for that reason. Because I am ruthless and do not love with my heart, but love with the high I get from being recklessly in love.
So tell me how it feels? To love but never receive the same affection and to feel vulnerable. The fear of loving again. Tell me what it’s like to never be hurt physically but mentally as the paranoia and your heartbreak consumes your mind. What’s it like to feel like a predator and to become so numb? Does it feel like you’re trapped in literal hell? You see the inner demons that haunt you with the fear of rejection and the feelings of weakness, right? You speak of sacrifices one must take but you were in reality talking about yourself. I never thought the day would come when my predator would seem so vulnerable like I was forced to feel. And maybe I still fear you for everything that was said and happened to me, but what does it change? Like I said, the pain and the trauma remains as battle scars that rest on the heart. You said you wish to never see the truth and the reflections you’ve made. It kills you inside every time you try to hide from the truth – you see me as the reflection. You like to parade around the wrong answers. Your intentions and actions don’t align with your cloaked emotions. The question was never about whether you’re ruthless or reckless. But maybe the realization you’ve yet to make is that you always saw me as the prey, because I’m the reflection you love to hate, but hates to love. The dark place is no place for people like us, no matter how many times we’ve been there before.
But I feel at home in the dark because it filters out all the conflicting emotions. In the dark, the colours are all one shade. One does not have to wallow in exhaustion because one has accepted that life is futile. It feels awful. To feel nothing. At times I question whether I am human. How can one feel so drained and empty, and desire others to live life to their fullest, but shield the world from seeing how tormented they are? I don’t know what it’s like to be loved; all my heartbreak stems from chasing love. A part of you dies every time the people you love reject you. A part of you, that you’ll never get back, ever again, dies, every time the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally choose to reject you. It kills. It bloody kills. All this around me is a fantasy. I try to appear nonchalant and use my to hell with the world attitude as my power. Yet the reality remains, like you said, the world is the predator, and I, their pathetic prey.It scares me to see you. Because you’re right. You’re the reflection of who I used to be before I let heartache ruin me. And I’m scared of what I’ll find when you succumb to the anguished misery and let heartache win.
Never before have I been confused in my life. Why target me if you were so afraid? I don’t understand it. This cannot be translated. You say you’re afraid of me because I spoke your truth, but at the same time you’re also afraid for me? It’s almost like I was the predator or I was always the prey, even to this moment. I don’t comprehend this. You speak of the dark being your home so the emotions are filtered. You know…you aren’t as all mighty and scary like I used to fear. You speak of heartache – it’s like fighting a war you never start and never get the chance to finish. It seems as if you fear me for the same reason I fear you. Maybe we were wrong to fear each other, because like you I also never had a single romance. We both picked up the remains and we hid in fear but we were always found. I, myself walked on a similar path as you did. I used to believe the world was mine and I was once a force to be reckoned with. I felt unstoppable but then I realized I’m hiding each heartbreak, every tear, every traumatic memory, and every battle scar that remains to show me, not others, what I’m running from. I was everything like you , because if I’m your reflection then you’re also my reflection. So if I succumb to heartache once more and we are vulnerable and desperate to find a place to hide. Let’s hide together. Let’s run away into the darkness together. It’s just like writing on the wall. I fear you and see you as my natural predator and a bitter enemy, but yet also, a friend for some reason. You see me as the reflection of your truth that you wish were lies. Maybe I possess the knowledge of your truth and you always made me vulnerable because we make each other a little less weak. We know the risks and dangers in the darkness, but maybe it’s time to take the plunge together. So what do you say all mighty predator?